Affairs: The Polite Phrase for Infidelity

Most pre-marital and newlywed couples could never imagine the prospect of unfaithfulness occurring in their marriage. Unfortunately, Christian couples, even those who are regular church attendees, are not immune to this unthinkable crisis. In fact, those who think it could never happen to them may be more at risk than those who recognize their vulnerabilities and the see the need to keep their guard up. One of the primary factors that couples fail to recognize is that marital communication and intimacy will drift in most marriages over the years, particularly if couples are not fully aware of their marital dynamics and individual nurturance needs. This can result in a marriage that becomes dull and unexciting leaving one or both partners feeling bored, lonely and perhaps even unloved. Christians sometimes mistakenly “over-spiritualize” the quality of their marriage rather than deal with the real relational mechanics of loving communication and intimate bonding.

People are sometimes shocked to discover that there may be other people they encounter along life's path toward whom they can feel a strong attraction. They may even come across someone who appears to be more compatible than their spouse. Even if the latter factors appear to exist, Christians must always remember that they are in a "covenant relationship" with their spouse which they made before God and witnesses. Walking between the "life blood" of family and friends who attended their Christian wedding was a symbol of the cutting of their covenant before God. The gravity of this is recognized when we examine the Old Testament Jewish traditions. When the Jews passed between the broken pieces and the blood of slain animals in many of their covenant cutting ceremonies they were making the statement, "May a curse come upon me if I am not faithful to this covenant." Thus, there is safety and God's blessing in the union of marriage and a curse on sexual relationships outside of this sacred union. The bottom line is that it is a very serious thing before God to breach the marriage covenant, and it will normally result in severe pain, confusion and lifelong consequences.

When a marriage is struggling, the grass often looks looks greener on the other side - even if it is not. Once people start crossing emotional boundaries outside of their marriage the brain chemistry of romance flares up (phenalethylamines, norepinephrine and oxcytocin). Under this powerful drug-induced state, they find it easier to believe that a relationship with their dreamboat fantasy would be a far better deal than their current struggling marriage. They often justify their behavior by focusing exclusively on their marriage partner's deficits, while being completely blind to the other party's shortcomings or the long-term consequences of their emotionally induced choices.

Because we serve a loving and merciful God, there is always hope for healing and restoration if the crisis of infidelity occurs. First, it is very important to stabilize the emotional crisis. Then we must understand both the context leading up to the breach and identify the type and extent of the affair that has occurred. Regardless of the pain the issues must be discussed and properly processed. The best way to do this is with an experienced pastoral or professional counselor. When an affair is not properly processed and discussed there is very high potential for it to recur, or for there to be a "revenge affair.” An affair is like an abscess on the marriage and it must be lanced and cleaned out for healing to occur.

If couples are committed to the process, healing can and does occur. Generally this means repentance (cessation of the affair and vengeful anger), followed by work through grief, forgiveness, analysis of marital dynamics and deficits, as well as much personal growth for both parties. Realistically, it can take couples anywhere from on- and-a-half to three years to get through the healing and recovery process. To succeed, couples need to keep working even after the acute intervention with a pastor or counselor has stabilized their relationship. They must also realize that the marriage itself can never return to the "status quo,” rather it should transform into a safe and loving haven where each spouse experiences emotional fulfilment.

If you, or someone you love, needs help in these matters, please visit us at:

www.christianfamilyguidancecenter.com or call us at: 636-394-5553

To review some of the resources we use to help couples struggling with these matters you might wish to visit us at:

http://www.christianfamilyguidancecenter.com/addresource_marriage.html

Blessings,

Mike Miller MEd, LPC, LCSW
Christian Family Guidance Center

Smart Start Marriages

Here are a few simple keys to getting a marriage off to a "smart start".

1. Cultivate a good friendship before romance and engagement.
In our contemporary culture, most people get the cart before the horse on this one. Like it or not, it is dangerous to let romance flare up before you know a person's character qualities and true temperaments. Most people today are stirring up too much brain chemistry before thy know what they are getting themselves into. Whenever you find a person attractive, it is natural to feel some arousal and heightened attention if you start getting close. This is the result of chemicals in your brain that are being stimulated such as phenylethylamines and norepinephrine. Once people start getting "touchy," they begin to stir up another chemical called oxytocin. This chemical leads to a euphoric bonding in relationships such as normally occurs between a mother and a newborn child. This is of course why the word of God tells us it is not good for a man to touch a woman (outside of marriage) in 1 Corinthians 7:1. He created the chemistry and knows how powerfully it works! Yes, it requires a good degree of self-control and discipline but aren't you looking for a person who has self-control and discipline? That goes a long way in any good marriage.

2. Understand what it really means to be equally yoked: There is a lot more to it than "I'm a Christian, you're a Christian so lets get together." Amos 3:3 asks the question: "Can two walk together, except the be agreed? Just because someone says they are a Christian does not mean they are at the same level of Biblical knowledge and spiritual growth as you. Decades of marital research has shown that there are significant ranges in temperamental development that optimize one's chances of satisfaction in marriage relationships. If you or the person you meet up with is too far from these optimal ranges on key aspects of temperament - watch out! Since most people are on their best behavior in dating and courtship, and it usually takes place on during low stress recreation time, it is easy for people to mask their true colors for quite a while. Not only do you need to understand the emotional makeup of you and your partner, but do you really share enough common interests, values and goals in life? If that is not enough to consider, you had better determine the compatibility of how your families of origin functioned. Your perceptions of what "should be" in relationship dynamics has a lot to do with what you were "hard wired" to expect in your family.

3. Make sure you and your partner have found your own self-esteem and happiness first. Single people who think marriage will make them happy are in deep trouble! Marriage will make you obligated to a new set of responsibilities and work. When two joyful and mature people let their happiness spill out on one another you have something special. Bottom line: Happiness and self-worth for the most part is an inside job!

4. Get good premarital counseling! This usually means seeing a good professional counselor before marriage. This will include a thorough screening of your backgrounds (ie. family genograms, relational and sexual history, personality/temperament, legal and financial history, mental health issues, internet habits and exposure to alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling etc.) Such programs will also examine life goals, personal values, spiritual beliefs, views on church involvement and assess your knowledge of scripture (particularly as it pertains to marriage, family and loving relationships.

5. Understand the mathematics of love. The best way to explain this is to refer you to the post on 7/30/09 with that same title.

6. Special considerations for remarriage. In the case of remarriage - it is obvious that something went wrong the first time and it needs thorough examination. Research suggests that divorced people should consider staying out of new relationships until they complete their grief work and self-examination. This is a process that can take considerable time. People who get into new relationships within about 3 years of their divorce generally do not fair well in a new marriage statistically. Some professionals suggest people consider waiting as long as 5-6 years before getting into another relationship and that is only if they are confident they have completed their grief and grown considerably. Another factor for Christians is whether or not there were legitimate Biblical reasons for the divorce in the first place. It should also be realized that remarriages with children produce blended families which are far more complex and stressful. Statistics suggest as many as 60-65 percent of these families end up in another divorce. The bottom line in our opinion is that individuals considering a remarriage scenario of any kind need plenty of grief time and sound pastoral and professional counseling before they consider getting into a new relationship. They also need to heed the advice in the first four steps.

For information contact us at:

www.christianfamilyguidancecenter.com

The Mathmatics of Love

According to Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist and researcher at the University of Washington , there is a critical 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions that must exist in order for marriages to avoid going down an erosive slide. After decades of studying every blip and facial gesture in couple relationships, Gottman and his associates (1994, 1998) have been able to quantify specific behaviors and rank their relative influence on the marriage relationship.

According to the research, certain expressions carry a disproportionate amount of emotional weight. For example, expressions of contempt register at -4, expressions of disgust are a -3, and whining ranks at -1. On the other hand, a display of affection, a smile or a touch registers a +4.

Using a mathematical model, Gottman and his team report they can predict with 94% accuracy which couples will eventually divorce based on the types of behavioral interactions observed.

Some couples can be very expressive in both directions but as long as they are able to make enough positive connections with their partner to counter balance the negative hurtful ones, they are likely to stay together. When one or both partners have difficulty connecting emotionally with their mate, they can be in particular trouble. This situation will ultimately leave one or both partners feeling hurt and isolated with a lack of emotional validation. Put another way, one or both partners may end up feeling they have no power to influence their partner in the relationship. Too many couples with this latter situation conclude they have a "bad partner" or married the "wrong mate" rather than recognizing what they really have are "bad interaction patterns" which need to be identified and changed. Regrettably, some marriage partners, even in the church, are unwilling, or too weary and disheartened to look at themselves and begin the work of change. This lack of knowledge too often leads to a repeat of the tragedy in an even more complicated remarriage with the stress of blended family issues.

It is no doubt short-sighted to think that this kind of relational math applies only to marital relationships. Goddard, Lee, & Myers-Walls (2004) contend that it may also have powerful implications for successful parenting.

While such marital and family research represents a significant contribution to the social and behavioral sciences, strong encouragement to keep our communication weighted heavily on the positive side was given to us centuries ago in God's Holy Word. Every Christian needs to meditate upon and heed the advice God has already given when it comes to relationships. There is no better summary of what we need to do than these timeless words penned under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit:

Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 5:29-32

Blessings in Christ,
Michael J. Miller, MED, LPC, LCSW
Christian Family Guidance Center

References:
Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. Predicting marital happiness and stability from newlywed interaction. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60, 5-22, (1998).

Gottman, J. Why marriages succeed or fail. New York : Simon & Schuster (1994).

H. Wallace Goddard, Thomas R. Lee, & Judith A. Myers-Walls ; Parenting: Have We Arrived? Or Do We Continue to Change? Family and Consumer Sciences Research Journal, Vol. 33, No. 1, 457-474 (2004)


For information:

www.christianfamilyguidancecenter.com
or to schedule an appointment call: 636-394-5553