Here are a few simple keys to getting a marriage off to a "smart start".
1. Cultivate a good friendship before romance and engagement.
In our contemporary culture, most people get the cart before the horse on this one. Like it or not, it is dangerous to let romance flare up before you know a person's character qualities and true temperaments. Most people today are stirring up too much brain chemistry before thy know what they are getting themselves into. Whenever you find a person attractive, it is natural to feel some arousal and heightened attention if you start getting close. This is the result of chemicals in your brain that are being stimulated such as phenylethylamines and norepinephrine. Once people start getting "touchy," they begin to stir up another chemical called oxytocin. This chemical leads to a euphoric bonding in relationships such as normally occurs between a mother and a newborn child. This is of course why the word of God tells us it is not good for a man to touch a woman (outside of marriage) in 1 Corinthians 7:1. He created the chemistry and knows how powerfully it works! Yes, it requires a good degree of self-control and discipline but aren't you looking for a person who has self-control and discipline? That goes a long way in any good marriage.
2. Understand what it really means to be equally yoked: There is a lot more to it than "I'm a Christian, you're a Christian so lets get together." Amos 3:3 asks the question: "Can two walk together, except the be agreed? Just because someone says they are a Christian does not mean they are at the same level of Biblical knowledge and spiritual growth as you. Decades of marital research has shown that there are significant ranges in temperamental development that optimize one's chances of satisfaction in marriage relationships. If you or the person you meet up with is too far from these optimal ranges on key aspects of temperament - watch out! Since most people are on their best behavior in dating and courtship, and it usually takes place on during low stress recreation time, it is easy for people to mask their true colors for quite a while. Not only do you need to understand the emotional makeup of you and your partner, but do you really share enough common interests, values and goals in life? If that is not enough to consider, you had better determine the compatibility of how your families of origin functioned. Your perceptions of what "should be" in relationship dynamics has a lot to do with what you were "hard wired" to expect in your family.
3. Make sure you and your partner have found your own self-esteem and happiness first. Single people who think marriage will make them happy are in deep trouble! Marriage will make you obligated to a new set of responsibilities and work. When two joyful and mature people let their happiness spill out on one another you have something special. Bottom line: Happiness and self-worth for the most part is an inside job!
4. Get good premarital counseling! This usually means seeing a good professional counselor before marriage. This will include a thorough screening of your backgrounds (ie. family genograms, relational and sexual history, personality/temperament, legal and financial history, mental health issues, internet habits and exposure to alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling etc.) Such programs will also examine life goals, personal values, spiritual beliefs, views on church involvement and assess your knowledge of scripture (particularly as it pertains to marriage, family and loving relationships.
5. Understand the mathematics of love. The best way to explain this is to refer you to the post on 7/30/09 with that same title.
6. Special considerations for remarriage. In the case of remarriage - it is obvious that something went wrong the first time and it needs thorough examination. Research suggests that divorced people should consider staying out of new relationships until they complete their grief work and self-examination. This is a process that can take considerable time. People who get into new relationships within about 3 years of their divorce generally do not fair well in a new marriage statistically. Some professionals suggest people consider waiting as long as 5-6 years before getting into another relationship and that is only if they are confident they have completed their grief and grown considerably. Another factor for Christians is whether or not there were legitimate Biblical reasons for the divorce in the first place. It should also be realized that remarriages with children produce blended families which are far more complex and stressful. Statistics suggest as many as 60-65 percent of these families end up in another divorce. The bottom line in our opinion is that individuals considering a remarriage scenario of any kind need plenty of grief time and sound pastoral and professional counseling before they consider getting into a new relationship. They also need to heed the advice in the first four steps.
For information contact us at:
www.christianfamilyguidancecenter.com
Friday, August 7, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
The Mathmatics of Love
According to Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist and researcher at the University of Washington , there is a critical 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions that must exist in order for marriages to avoid going down an erosive slide. After decades of studying every blip and facial gesture in couple relationships, Gottman and his associates (1994, 1998) have been able to quantify specific behaviors and rank their relative influence on the marriage relationship.
According to the research, certain expressions carry a disproportionate amount of emotional weight. For example, expressions of contempt register at -4, expressions of disgust are a -3, and whining ranks at -1. On the other hand, a display of affection, a smile or a touch registers a +4.
Using a mathematical model, Gottman and his team report they can predict with 94% accuracy which couples will eventually divorce based on the types of behavioral interactions observed.
Some couples can be very expressive in both directions but as long as they are able to make enough positive connections with their partner to counter balance the negative hurtful ones, they are likely to stay together. When one or both partners have difficulty connecting emotionally with their mate, they can be in particular trouble. This situation will ultimately leave one or both partners feeling hurt and isolated with a lack of emotional validation. Put another way, one or both partners may end up feeling they have no power to influence their partner in the relationship. Too many couples with this latter situation conclude they have a "bad partner" or married the "wrong mate" rather than recognizing what they really have are "bad interaction patterns" which need to be identified and changed. Regrettably, some marriage partners, even in the church, are unwilling, or too weary and disheartened to look at themselves and begin the work of change. This lack of knowledge too often leads to a repeat of the tragedy in an even more complicated remarriage with the stress of blended family issues.
It is no doubt short-sighted to think that this kind of relational math applies only to marital relationships. Goddard, Lee, & Myers-Walls (2004) contend that it may also have powerful implications for successful parenting.
While such marital and family research represents a significant contribution to the social and behavioral sciences, strong encouragement to keep our communication weighted heavily on the positive side was given to us centuries ago in God's Holy Word. Every Christian needs to meditate upon and heed the advice God has already given when it comes to relationships. There is no better summary of what we need to do than these timeless words penned under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit:
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 5:29-32
Blessings in Christ,
Michael J. Miller, MED, LPC, LCSW
Christian Family Guidance Center
References:
Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. Predicting marital happiness and stability from newlywed interaction. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60, 5-22, (1998).
Gottman, J. Why marriages succeed or fail. New York : Simon & Schuster (1994).
H. Wallace Goddard, Thomas R. Lee, & Judith A. Myers-Walls ; Parenting: Have We Arrived? Or Do We Continue to Change? Family and Consumer Sciences Research Journal, Vol. 33, No. 1, 457-474 (2004)
For information:
www.christianfamilyguidancecenter.com
or to schedule an appointment call: 636-394-5553
According to the research, certain expressions carry a disproportionate amount of emotional weight. For example, expressions of contempt register at -4, expressions of disgust are a -3, and whining ranks at -1. On the other hand, a display of affection, a smile or a touch registers a +4.
Using a mathematical model, Gottman and his team report they can predict with 94% accuracy which couples will eventually divorce based on the types of behavioral interactions observed.
Some couples can be very expressive in both directions but as long as they are able to make enough positive connections with their partner to counter balance the negative hurtful ones, they are likely to stay together. When one or both partners have difficulty connecting emotionally with their mate, they can be in particular trouble. This situation will ultimately leave one or both partners feeling hurt and isolated with a lack of emotional validation. Put another way, one or both partners may end up feeling they have no power to influence their partner in the relationship. Too many couples with this latter situation conclude they have a "bad partner" or married the "wrong mate" rather than recognizing what they really have are "bad interaction patterns" which need to be identified and changed. Regrettably, some marriage partners, even in the church, are unwilling, or too weary and disheartened to look at themselves and begin the work of change. This lack of knowledge too often leads to a repeat of the tragedy in an even more complicated remarriage with the stress of blended family issues.
It is no doubt short-sighted to think that this kind of relational math applies only to marital relationships. Goddard, Lee, & Myers-Walls (2004) contend that it may also have powerful implications for successful parenting.
While such marital and family research represents a significant contribution to the social and behavioral sciences, strong encouragement to keep our communication weighted heavily on the positive side was given to us centuries ago in God's Holy Word. Every Christian needs to meditate upon and heed the advice God has already given when it comes to relationships. There is no better summary of what we need to do than these timeless words penned under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit:
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 5:29-32
Blessings in Christ,
Michael J. Miller, MED, LPC, LCSW
Christian Family Guidance Center
References:
Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. Predicting marital happiness and stability from newlywed interaction. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60, 5-22, (1998).
Gottman, J. Why marriages succeed or fail. New York : Simon & Schuster (1994).
H. Wallace Goddard, Thomas R. Lee, & Judith A. Myers-Walls ; Parenting: Have We Arrived? Or Do We Continue to Change? Family and Consumer Sciences Research Journal, Vol. 33, No. 1, 457-474 (2004)
For information:
www.christianfamilyguidancecenter.com
or to schedule an appointment call: 636-394-5553
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