Smart Start Marriages

Here are a few simple keys to getting a marriage off to a "smart start".

1. Cultivate a good friendship before romance and engagement.
In our contemporary culture, most people get the cart before the horse on this one. Like it or not, it is dangerous to let romance flare up before you know a person's character qualities and true temperaments. Most people today are stirring up too much brain chemistry before thy know what they are getting themselves into. Whenever you find a person attractive, it is natural to feel some arousal and heightened attention if you start getting close. This is the result of chemicals in your brain that are being stimulated such as phenylethylamines and norepinephrine. Once people start getting "touchy," they begin to stir up another chemical called oxytocin. This chemical leads to a euphoric bonding in relationships such as normally occurs between a mother and a newborn child. This is of course why the word of God tells us it is not good for a man to touch a woman (outside of marriage) in 1 Corinthians 7:1. He created the chemistry and knows how powerfully it works! Yes, it requires a good degree of self-control and discipline but aren't you looking for a person who has self-control and discipline? That goes a long way in any good marriage.

2. Understand what it really means to be equally yoked: There is a lot more to it than "I'm a Christian, you're a Christian so lets get together." Amos 3:3 asks the question: "Can two walk together, except the be agreed? Just because someone says they are a Christian does not mean they are at the same level of Biblical knowledge and spiritual growth as you. Decades of marital research has shown that there are significant ranges in temperamental development that optimize one's chances of satisfaction in marriage relationships. If you or the person you meet up with is too far from these optimal ranges on key aspects of temperament - watch out! Since most people are on their best behavior in dating and courtship, and it usually takes place on during low stress recreation time, it is easy for people to mask their true colors for quite a while. Not only do you need to understand the emotional makeup of you and your partner, but do you really share enough common interests, values and goals in life? If that is not enough to consider, you had better determine the compatibility of how your families of origin functioned. Your perceptions of what "should be" in relationship dynamics has a lot to do with what you were "hard wired" to expect in your family.

3. Make sure you and your partner have found your own self-esteem and happiness first. Single people who think marriage will make them happy are in deep trouble! Marriage will make you obligated to a new set of responsibilities and work. When two joyful and mature people let their happiness spill out on one another you have something special. Bottom line: Happiness and self-worth for the most part is an inside job!

4. Get good premarital counseling! This usually means seeing a good professional counselor before marriage. This will include a thorough screening of your backgrounds (ie. family genograms, relational and sexual history, personality/temperament, legal and financial history, mental health issues, internet habits and exposure to alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling etc.) Such programs will also examine life goals, personal values, spiritual beliefs, views on church involvement and assess your knowledge of scripture (particularly as it pertains to marriage, family and loving relationships.

5. Understand the mathematics of love. The best way to explain this is to refer you to the post on 7/30/09 with that same title.

6. Special considerations for remarriage. In the case of remarriage - it is obvious that something went wrong the first time and it needs thorough examination. Research suggests that divorced people should consider staying out of new relationships until they complete their grief work and self-examination. This is a process that can take considerable time. People who get into new relationships within about 3 years of their divorce generally do not fair well in a new marriage statistically. Some professionals suggest people consider waiting as long as 5-6 years before getting into another relationship and that is only if they are confident they have completed their grief and grown considerably. Another factor for Christians is whether or not there were legitimate Biblical reasons for the divorce in the first place. It should also be realized that remarriages with children produce blended families which are far more complex and stressful. Statistics suggest as many as 60-65 percent of these families end up in another divorce. The bottom line in our opinion is that individuals considering a remarriage scenario of any kind need plenty of grief time and sound pastoral and professional counseling before they consider getting into a new relationship. They also need to heed the advice in the first four steps.

For information contact us at:

www.christianfamilyguidancecenter.com