Most pre-marital and newlywed couples could never imagine the prospect of unfaithfulness occurring in their marriage. Unfortunately, Christian couples, even those who are regular church attendees, are not immune to this unthinkable crisis. In fact, those who think it could never happen to them may be more at risk than those who recognize their vulnerabilities and the see the need to keep their guard up. One of the primary factors that couples fail to recognize is that marital communication and intimacy will drift in most marriages over the years, particularly if couples are not fully aware of their marital dynamics and individual nurturance needs. This can result in a marriage that becomes dull and unexciting leaving one or both partners feeling bored, lonely and perhaps even unloved. Christians sometimes mistakenly “over-spiritualize” the quality of their marriage rather than deal with the real relational mechanics of loving communication and intimate bonding.
People are sometimes shocked to discover that there may be other people they encounter along life's path toward whom they can feel a strong attraction. They may even come across someone who appears to be more compatible than their spouse. Even if the latter factors appear to exist, Christians must always remember that they are in a "covenant relationship" with their spouse which they made before God and witnesses. Walking between the "life blood" of family and friends who attended their Christian wedding was a symbol of the cutting of their covenant before God. The gravity of this is recognized when we examine the Old Testament Jewish traditions. When the Jews passed between the broken pieces and the blood of slain animals in many of their covenant cutting ceremonies they were making the statement, "May a curse come upon me if I am not faithful to this covenant." Thus, there is safety and God's blessing in the union of marriage and a curse on sexual relationships outside of this sacred union. The bottom line is that it is a very serious thing before God to breach the marriage covenant, and it will normally result in severe pain, confusion and lifelong consequences.
When a marriage is struggling, the grass often looks looks greener on the other side - even if it is not. Once people start crossing emotional boundaries outside of their marriage the brain chemistry of romance flares up (phenalethylamines, norepinephrine and oxcytocin). Under this powerful drug-induced state, they find it easier to believe that a relationship with their dreamboat fantasy would be a far better deal than their current struggling marriage. They often justify their behavior by focusing exclusively on their marriage partner's deficits, while being completely blind to the other party's shortcomings or the long-term consequences of their emotionally induced choices.
Because we serve a loving and merciful God, there is always hope for healing and restoration if the crisis of infidelity occurs. First, it is very important to stabilize the emotional crisis. Then we must understand both the context leading up to the breach and identify the type and extent of the affair that has occurred. Regardless of the pain the issues must be discussed and properly processed. The best way to do this is with an experienced pastoral or professional counselor. When an affair is not properly processed and discussed there is very high potential for it to recur, or for there to be a "revenge affair.” An affair is like an abscess on the marriage and it must be lanced and cleaned out for healing to occur.
If couples are committed to the process, healing can and does occur. Generally this means repentance (cessation of the affair and vengeful anger), followed by work through grief, forgiveness, analysis of marital dynamics and deficits, as well as much personal growth for both parties. Realistically, it can take couples anywhere from on- and-a-half to three years to get through the healing and recovery process. To succeed, couples need to keep working even after the acute intervention with a pastor or counselor has stabilized their relationship. They must also realize that the marriage itself can never return to the "status quo,” rather it should transform into a safe and loving haven where each spouse experiences emotional fulfilment.
If you, or someone you love, needs help in these matters, please visit us at:
www.christianfamilyguidancecenter.com or call us at: 636-394-5553
To review some of the resources we use to help couples struggling with these matters you might wish to visit us at:
http://www.christianfamilyguidancecenter.com/addresource_marriage.html
Blessings,
Mike Miller MEd, LPC, LCSW
Christian Family Guidance Center
