The Mathmatics of Love

According to Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist and researcher at the University of Washington , there is a critical 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions that must exist in order for marriages to avoid going down an erosive slide. After decades of studying every blip and facial gesture in couple relationships, Gottman and his associates (1994, 1998) have been able to quantify specific behaviors and rank their relative influence on the marriage relationship.

According to the research, certain expressions carry a disproportionate amount of emotional weight. For example, expressions of contempt register at -4, expressions of disgust are a -3, and whining ranks at -1. On the other hand, a display of affection, a smile or a touch registers a +4.

Using a mathematical model, Gottman and his team report they can predict with 94% accuracy which couples will eventually divorce based on the types of behavioral interactions observed.

Some couples can be very expressive in both directions but as long as they are able to make enough positive connections with their partner to counter balance the negative hurtful ones, they are likely to stay together. When one or both partners have difficulty connecting emotionally with their mate, they can be in particular trouble. This situation will ultimately leave one or both partners feeling hurt and isolated with a lack of emotional validation. Put another way, one or both partners may end up feeling they have no power to influence their partner in the relationship. Too many couples with this latter situation conclude they have a "bad partner" or married the "wrong mate" rather than recognizing what they really have are "bad interaction patterns" which need to be identified and changed. Regrettably, some marriage partners, even in the church, are unwilling, or too weary and disheartened to look at themselves and begin the work of change. This lack of knowledge too often leads to a repeat of the tragedy in an even more complicated remarriage with the stress of blended family issues.

It is no doubt short-sighted to think that this kind of relational math applies only to marital relationships. Goddard, Lee, & Myers-Walls (2004) contend that it may also have powerful implications for successful parenting.

While such marital and family research represents a significant contribution to the social and behavioral sciences, strong encouragement to keep our communication weighted heavily on the positive side was given to us centuries ago in God's Holy Word. Every Christian needs to meditate upon and heed the advice God has already given when it comes to relationships. There is no better summary of what we need to do than these timeless words penned under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit:

Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 5:29-32

Blessings in Christ,
Michael J. Miller, MED, LPC, LCSW
Christian Family Guidance Center

References:
Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. Predicting marital happiness and stability from newlywed interaction. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60, 5-22, (1998).

Gottman, J. Why marriages succeed or fail. New York : Simon & Schuster (1994).

H. Wallace Goddard, Thomas R. Lee, & Judith A. Myers-Walls ; Parenting: Have We Arrived? Or Do We Continue to Change? Family and Consumer Sciences Research Journal, Vol. 33, No. 1, 457-474 (2004)


For information:

www.christianfamilyguidancecenter.com
or to schedule an appointment call: 636-394-5553